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| My friend Steph and I were driving through the Marlton circle the other day when we saw a long line of cars with orange flags streaming from their windows. They were following a black hearse. All the cars stopped in the traffic circle. No one cut the line up, everyone just stopped. This line of cars went through two red lights. No one cut them off. Now this is a very busy traffic circle and still no one did anything and everyone was respectful. It was a beautiful sight. It gave me this warm feeling inside and just put a smile on my face. There are good people in the world. This person who passed away must have really been blessed too with lots of people who cared. It just made my day seeing this, evidence that there is good.
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| Oh my gosh, I have less than 2 weeks left at home. I am going to miss my friends at home sooo much. I am so blessed to have so many close friends. I look around and see people who have never experienced that kind of friendship and I feel so bad for them and remind myself how blessed I am to have experienced such amazing friendships.
I must say though we all have changed a lot. I looked around the starbucks table today and it was just different. My friends changed and I've most definitely changed. We have all experienced so many different things in the past year and yet we were all able to share these stories with ease. I've changed so much. I'm not quite sure if it's a good change or not. I suppose there isn't anything i can do about it now. But I just feel different. I really am easily influenced by the people I hang around and a firm believer that your environment really does shape you as a person. That really isn't good. I don't know. There is so much I'm still trying to figure out for myself, but just can't help but consider other people's opinions before mine. I want to be a stronger person. I want to be able to think on my own. I have such a diverse group of friends that I find my own thoughts conflicting a lot and wondering where my own voice is. Does it come with age? Where is my voice?
I have just begun to realize exactly how messed up this world is and how messed up I am. How do I fix myself? I seriously have issues. Especially with guilt. Is that weird? I look around at some people and to they are so perfect and nice and it seems to come so naturally to them. Sometimes I have to make such a great effort to be a good person...is it because I'm naturally a bad person? Then i mention it to someone and I feel guilty because I feel like I'm just saying it so I can hear them tell me I'm a good person. It's just a viscous cycle. I sometimes feel like I do good things for the wrong reasons like just to have people watch and tell me I'm a good person. See it just never ends this guilt. I just feel guilty about everything. Then I look at people who just seem naturally good and wonder if they are thinking the same thing. Also, I feel so guilty when I do something for myself. Like this do I deserve to have this time to myself to do nothing? Do I deserve these pleasures? If I'm doing something for myself then it's an act of selfishness right? I am a selfish person. See now I feel guilty about this entry because I feel like I'm doing it for attention and for people to tell me I'm not a selfish person. What is wrong with me? Is this normal???
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| I just realized I started my last 3 entries by saying it's been awhile... so i'm not going to do that.
The summer is almost over and I can't wait to go back and I don't want to leave at the same time. I definitely can't wait to have my freedom back, but I feel like my friends at home and I are even closer now and it's always hard leaving them. I can't wait to see my Wellesley girls though and hear all their stories. Lately I'm just torn between opposites...wanting to go back and not wanting to go back, wanting to grow up and not wanting to grow up. I suppose that's what life is, wanting everything but not being able to have everything.
It's nice to know that I will always have my friends at home and that even though we've all changed so much we are still able to get along together so well.
I also like to think that this summer my little brother and I have grown closer. That kid is way too wise for his age and it is both a good and bad thing. I almost feel like I've corrupted him in so many ways just by talking around him, but I guess that is unavoidable. He's such a smart kid and I think even though I complain so much about him I miss him the most when I'm away.
The one thing that does suck is that I feel like the older I get the more stuff I have inside me that I can't seem to share with anyone, especially my family. I guess this is the beginning of growing apart from my family, but that makes me so sad. I just seem to have more and more that I can't tell them or even try to explain to them. In some ways I feel like they don't know who I am anymore, they will always see me the way they want to see me. I had some of my art work sitting on the kitchen table and it made me uncomfortable having my family see it because I felt like they were seeing too much of me, a naked feeling. It's so sad to think that in a lot of ways my own family doesn't know me. I like to think though that they know the root of me, they know me best because they knew me before all these years changed me...if that makes any sense. I don't know, maybe one day I will be able to just tell them everything and they will understand me and why I didn't tell them certain things. I guess only time will tell...
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| It's been awhile. A lot has changed I suppose. I am done my first year at college and at the beginning of a nice summer back home. I feel different...not really sure if it's good or bad. I miss my friends back at school, but it is really nice seeing my friends back home. I wish I could hang out with them more. After a year of college my parents are still the same...to them I'm still a little kid who needs to be home before 11. Strange how that works. I feel so different and more mature(maybe) and yet to my parents I think I am the same person that I was before I left. Couldn't tell you if I like it that way or not. I mean...I wish I could stay immature and not have to deal with things...but I want to be treated like I'm a mature person who can be trusted. I wonder when it was that I made them not to trust me. I just want to go out and hang out with my friends. Well anyways...lets see whats new. Hmm well I'm going to CT this weekend and I'm going to be gone for about 2 weeks interning at my friend's parents' architecture firm. Hopefully that will go well...hopefully I will like it and be sure that is what I want to do with the rest of my life. If I don't like it...I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't really know what I want to do. I don't really have anything I am particularly good at...so yea...oh well..only time will tell. I wish I was really passionate about something and sure about what I wanted to do. I do know that I want to help people. I would really like to be a therapist or psychologist. But would I be able to handle that? I dont know. I don't really know what I'm talking about. I don't really know why I'm writing on my xanga again. I'm just bored really. Actually I'm not even bored...I just need something to do...
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| wow i havent updated in forever! well, lets see so much to say too lazy to say it all. I'm home for break and that is pretty amazing, there is no place like home and old friends. Wellesley is alright...lets just say for now that i am surviving, which is good i suppose. I love the freedom, I'm making some amazing friends, the campus is gorgeous, and the food isnt bad at all. But I am also continuously stressing, I feel retarded around those people, girls are starting to drive me insane, no boys is starting to dive me crazy, continuous intellectual environment is stressing me out, and i miss my family and friends. I <3 M-town...even though there is nothing to do here, I <3 my family...even though they are loud and scary at times, and I <3 my friends who are just amazing and I <3 the fact that when i come home even though i feel like i've changed and grown we can all just get back together as if we all never left. it's amazing. I must say though being away from home has kinda forced me to grow up i think, i've kinda been slapping back into reality. I guess it's both sad and good at the same time, growing is good i suppose. I've learned a lot and changed a lot in the past 3 months, i'm not sure if it's a good change or not, but i think it was bound to happen. It's just kinda scary b/c it all happened so fast. Well, i hope everyone had an amazing thanksgiving and enjoys the rest of their break, I'm tryin to get all I can get out of tomorrow!! maybe i'll start updating more often.
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